I'm not afraid anymore (because you're gone)

Since you were gone

I never again was afraid

Since you were gone

I never again felt in place

Any rejection, I'm ready to face

Because I know now that anything

can be fixed unless is gone

like you are gone

Afraid of contact, never again

Feel no pleasure, feel no pain

Not a thing I think I'll love

'cos love I think is fear of losing

Since you were gone

I never again was afraid

Since you were gone

I never again felt in place

I feel courageous, I feel free

Because I know I can be me

And no matter what people see

Reactions won't bother me

I lost you for the eternity

eternity that I now feel

And everything I try to be

I am, because I don't care if I'm not

Since you were gone

I never again was afraid

Since you were gone

I never again felt in place

Anything that I did towards you, was super calculated. Because, no matter what, I never wanted to lose your friendship, in first place. Despite being away and separated for so many periods of ours lives, you were always there, in the corner of my head, like a safe place that I could always go. You were always there. But then, one day, you were not.

About Last Night [14]

Today you came to visit.

I was riding my bike near your home, and I saw you.

I knew it was you because you had some weird tattoos (that I had never seen) in your chest.

You hair was black with some blood-red flocks.

When you saw me, you became visibly uncomfortable.

You said the pressure bothered you, since you were back from your death.

You said you didn't necessarily wanted to love me.

I told you we never did properly loved each other, and we had always been friends.

You said you had schizophrenia.

I said OK.

About Last Night [13]

Minha porta estava quebrada, e a vizinha recebia amigos.

- E aí cara, você que é o Pedro?

Não respondi.

- Sou amigo da Patrícia. A gente vai dar um rolê, quer ir?

- Não não, obrigado.

Tudo isso, enquanto eu tentava consertar a porta.

Consigo fechar.

Eventualmente, a porta se abre, e eu meu outro vizinho batendo à porta e achando estranho ela se abrindo.

- Hola! Quierohablarconuhtstuhsdd

Não consigo entender, ele fala espanhol muito rápido.

- Calma, - digo - fala mais devagar.

- Yo quierosadblkjrlk

- Não consigo entender. I can't understand you.

- Oh! English?

- Yes!

- Ok. So, I know you must have heard me and my partner arguing about food. We can be very noisy sometimes.

- Yeah, it's okay, I don't mind. I'm always with my headphones.

- That's not why I wanted to talk to you. I just want you to know that my eyes are up here.

Nisso, lembrei da filha dele, uma jovem que às vezes se insinuava para mim.

- Oh man... You know I used to date Patrícia, the girl next door, right?

- Yes. So?

- So, it was some three months ago that we broke up. We broke up because I finally came out as assexual.

- So?

- You know what that mean? I don't have sexual desires.

A filha dele estava por perto, e parou do meu lado.

- Can you close your ears for a second? - perguntei pra ela, apenas para satisfazer seu pai. Ela fechou os ouvidos com as mãos, mas obviamente, apenas de mentira para que sei pai achasse que ela não ouvia. - It's not that my dick doesn't get hard. It does. But I don't feel the need to do anything with it.

Ele tinha uma arma.

- I don't care, if you can't keep your eyes off her, I'm gonna shoot you.

- Okay. Can I borrow your gun then? To kill myself.

A filha dele me olhou com pena. Ele se assustou.

Mais tarde, com o pessoa do trabalho.

- Se você faz engenharia elétrica, rolha no cu!

Todos riram.

- Fica perdendo tempo com livro aí hahaha, que viadagem.

- Homofóbico.

Todos fizeram silêncio.

- Por causa do monte de livro que eu li, já comi muita boceta. E não senti nada. Depois de muita luta comigo mesmo, fui dar o cu. E da primeira vez que dei o cu, não senti nada. E quando eu comi o cu também. Como você se sentiria se nada te satisfazesse sexualmente? Eu assumi que pra mim, era assim, que eu não ia ter satisfação sexual nunca. E tudo bem pra mim. Agora, vocês podem parar de ser escrotos e querer cuidar do cu dos outros. Puta obsessão do caralho. - desabafei verdades óbvias, e desisti.

Ø

Ninguém precisa saber
que tem músicas que ainda me fazem gritar
"TELL ME THAT YOU'LL OPEN YOUR EYES"
inutilmente
como se ouvisse.
Os vermes já comeram seus olhos.

About Last Night [12]

Minha psiquiatra atendia em casa.

Eu tinha crises de choro.

Ela me dava remédios.

Deitado na cama, chorando,

ela vinha e me dava um beijo

no canto da boca.

No email,

havia uma avaliação sobre a psiquiatra:

"ruim: não encaminha casos graves"

Camila era viva.

Estava feliz em me ver.

Micro pílulas estavam na cama,

mas não eram minhas.

Camila dizia que não eram dela.

Camila ia pra cidade,

mas eu não podia ir.

Estava doente.

Gripado.

Com muito frio.

Ela ficava triste

que eu não a acompanhava.

Minha vó explicava

que não era por mal,

só estava doente.

Quando ela saiu,

abri o Tinder

e encontrei Camila.

Ela tinha uma foto com minha mãe

e uma descrição dizendo

"abrace a morte".

Camila voltou.

Eu não senti cheiro

e pensei na covid.

Minha irmã e minha vó

me traziam três grandes caixas de pizza,

redondas.

Duas, cheias de capelleti

e uma, cheias de guiozas.

Minha vó colocava uma das caixas

de capelleti

no meu colo.

Eu tinha uma crise de choro.

Minha irmã começava a rir

"quero ver o que você vai fazer

quando for tomar injeção".
Minha vó tirou a caixa de do meu colo
e uma mancha de óleo amarelo
se revelou no meu cobertor roxo.

Acordei.

About Last Night [11]

You were lovely, as always.

You were writing in codes,

and laughed as I tried to decipher.

You wouldn't let me love you,
but you wouldn't leave.

My mom said that you were OK
but you should leave

until the pandemic was over.

You asked for water

I offered to heat up some soup for you
You thought it was better than water

It was then that I noticed

That I had shaved my head badly

It still had tufts of hair

And you said "yeah, you just did it"

"you said you didn't want my help"

I'm still trying to decipher you

and your writings

but the biggest mystery is

why do I keep thinking of you?

About Last Night [10]

She had asked me to send pictures to help her plan the party.
I've sent some. Then, she asked for a photo of me.
I've sent one.
Then she answered with a photo of her.
Weird, I thought, there's absolutely no need for this, but she is cute.
She had curly hair, and big eyes.
She asked me to come, take a look at the place.
I went.
While she showed me the place, our hands occasionally touched,
and she seemed to be as close as every opportunity allowed,
and sometimes, seemed to create opportunities to be closer.
I was starting to feel comfortable when she implied she had a boyfriend.
A little confused, while she tried to touch me again, I didn't flinch.
Now, not implying anymore, she said her boyfriend was a bore.
That he wouldn't want a threesome.
Come, - she said - you'll love over there.
She grabbed my hand and guided me through a garden.
I'm feeling nice, - she said - I may even forget my boyfriend.
Then she turns towards me and kissed me.
She was so pretty that I knew it was dream.
I felt so good that I knew it was a dream.