I'm not afraid anymore (because you're gone)

Since you were gone

I never again was afraid

Since you were gone

I never again felt in place

Any rejection, I'm ready to face

Because I know now that anything

can be fixed unless is gone

like you are gone

Afraid of contact, never again

Feel no pleasure, feel no pain

Not a thing I think I'll love

'cos love I think is fear of losing

Since you were gone

I never again was afraid

Since you were gone

I never again felt in place

I feel courageous, I feel free

Because I know I can be me

And no matter what people see

Reactions won't bother me

I lost you for the eternity

eternity that I now feel

And everything I try to be

I am, because I don't care if I'm not

Since you were gone

I never again was afraid

Since you were gone

I never again felt in place

Anything that I did towards you, was super calculated. Because, no matter what, I never wanted to lose your friendship, in first place. Despite being away and separated for so many periods of ours lives, you were always there, in the corner of my head, like a safe place that I could always go. You were always there. But then, one day, you were not.

About Last Night [11]

You were lovely, as always.

You were writing in codes,

and laughed as I tried to decipher.

You wouldn't let me love you,
but you wouldn't leave.

My mom said that you were OK
but you should leave

until the pandemic was over.

You asked for water

I offered to heat up some soup for you
You thought it was better than water

It was then that I noticed

That I had shaved my head badly

It still had tufts of hair

And you said "yeah, you just did it"

"you said you didn't want my help"

I'm still trying to decipher you

and your writings

but the biggest mystery is

why do I keep thinking of you?

About Last Night [10]

She had asked me to send pictures to help her plan the party.
I've sent some. Then, she asked for a photo of me.
I've sent one.
Then she answered with a photo of her.
Weird, I thought, there's absolutely no need for this, but she is cute.
She had curly hair, and big eyes.
She asked me to come, take a look at the place.
I went.
While she showed me the place, our hands occasionally touched,
and she seemed to be as close as every opportunity allowed,
and sometimes, seemed to create opportunities to be closer.
I was starting to feel comfortable when she implied she had a boyfriend.
A little confused, while she tried to touch me again, I didn't flinch.
Now, not implying anymore, she said her boyfriend was a bore.
That he wouldn't want a threesome.
Come, - she said - you'll love over there.
She grabbed my hand and guided me through a garden.
I'm feeling nice, - she said - I may even forget my boyfriend.
Then she turns towards me and kissed me.
She was so pretty that I knew it was dream.
I felt so good that I knew it was a dream.

About Last Night [7]

Last night, Charlotte was on my dreams. We were sleeping on the same room for some reason.
Eventually, she'd get up and wandered about. After noticing that I was seeing her naked legs, she gasped in a cute shyness.
She was working addictively, and apparently slept for only half an hour. I felt some deep connection between us, as she looked at me tenderly.
Later on, some guys were messing with my musical instruments - my electronic drums, my guitar and my pedals - cutting my cables saying that they were bad quality cables, and that there was some interference because of that.
Charlotte was still there.

Dream On

As if love came from action,
I, blinded, look forward
and ask you to come:
"I'll provide", I say,
as if love came from action.

As if love came from dreams,
I, optimistically, think about you
and demand: do not give in:
"Dream on", I say
as if love came from dreams.

"Dream on" I say,
hoping that is with me
that you dream about.

"I'll provide", I say
hoping that you say
"Yes! Yes! I'll marry you!"

About Last Night [4]

We were on a stadium for some big event.
They were giving out some waffle and we could chose the fillings.
Eventually, we got to a bakery,
and were drinking soda.
There was a couple with us,
and after they left,
you told me he was disgusting
and that his sweaty balls left marks on the chair he was on.
We went to hitch a ride to my house
and, when we arrived there,
I was sitting in a chair
and you were lying on the floor.
I started massaging you legs.
You commented that felt good
and eventually told me to come to the floor with you.

But you read something I was writing
and you were responding
that you didn't like adventure games
and you'd prefered to live stuff
instead of sitting while watching simulations.

My mom arrived
and I introduced you two.

alive

Stuck in the past,
feeling old.

Seems like I've wasted all my youth
on things that I've never finished.

Feeling late
for everything that is worth
and early
for the only thing that is certain.

Dropped the ball
just as things was about to go right.
If things are never going to have a chance to be right again,
then what's left?

The fact that I am alive is,
per se,
better than expected,
but it is no more than that.

I am alive, and that is all.
That is all.

About Last Night [3]

We were at the city hall, walking around the block.
We were close as if we were one.
I asked "Can we do something next weekend?"
You said "I can't"
I asked "Can't or won't?"
You said "Both."
Then you looked down,
slightly removed your glasses
and dried your eyes corners.
"I can't" - you repeated - "It's my mom's birthday, a friend of hers is coming."
I said "Is that one that I know?"
"Yes" you replied.
We kissed.
"We can't because it will be the main streamline, right?" I asked, as if it made any sense.
"Yes" you confirmed.

I woke up.

Ripped Pants

Yet another pair of pants
must go to the trash can.
It has the pockets ripped,
doesn't hold anything anymore (as if ever did).
The locals that stand out depresses me.

About Last Night [2]

There is a party on a classic hall.
I have my guitar with me.
Someone is paying shots for everybody, so I take two.
They go down smoothly, as it were just water.
But they were not.

Eventually, I go outside for a smoke and someone closes the doors.
I slam them, and then a friend opens them back for me.

Then, a bunch of girls appeared,
but I am invisible to them.
Until I remove my cap, revealing my discolorated hair.

Then, a petite redheaded girl approaches
and asks whether she can have a piece of my phone number.
I say "eighty six" (which is part of my real phone).

She looks at me, waiting for the rest.

Someone screams that a lion is loose on the party.

Everybody starts running, and I can see the lion on the distance.

I find a bathroom and lock myself in.

There is a window there, from where I can see outside.

I cannot see the lion anymore.

Then, I see a famous someone (famous on the dream only, probably)
sending a voice message via WhatsApp.

He is saying that the lion is a fake.
And that made sense to me.

I leave the bathroom to try to find the redhead.
As I am walking on the direction that she ran,
I end up on what looks like a train station.
There is a bunch of the people that was on the party before,
but not her.

In the end, I am on the city that I was born.
I am on my aunt's house, and she is there (She died of cancer).
Then, I am on a small house that my dad have (on my dreams only),
but he is not there.

I am bicicling around the entrance of the city,
and I see some banners that pay homage to a suicided musician
as if he was born there (He was not).

I wake up,
late for work.

About Last Night

I was awake and ready to leave for work at 5 am.
I look at the clock without getting up.

Suddenly, I'm on the bathroom, and I look at myself, in the mirror.
My feet is touching the ground.
I have rashes around my genital area.
The sky is still dark.

I am suddenly driving to work.
I see a construction zone, on the road, and try to swerve the car to the left.
The car looses contact with the ground, and everything starts spinning.
I see the world over the car,
then below it,
then over it,
then below it.

Then the car stops rolling, on its relaxed position: wheels down, roof up, as it should be.
I exit the car,
unharmed.

Three of the wheels are being supported by
three
mounds
of dirt.

All of them are pretty damaged.

The fourth wheel is suspended.
It is not touching the ground.
It has no damages.

I look at the tires.

All of them are flat, but the one suspended.

I am unharmed.
My feet is touching the ground.

I wake up,
late for work.

People Who Almost

People who almost looks like you, everywhere.
People who almost smells like you.
People who almost thinks like us.
People who almost loves like us.
People who almost empassionate me.
People who almost.
But none are you.
You're neverwhere, but the past.

Conversa IV

- EDITADO?
- ...
- Show up!
- ...
- Talk to me, I need you...
- ...
- Nothing?
- ...
- ...
- ...
- Shit...
- ...
- ...
- Bu!
- EDITADO!
- Não. É só um texto metido a engraçado. Entenda: eu não existo mais.
- Sorry...
- ...

Conversa III

- EDITADO!?
- Hm?
- O que você tá fazendo com você?
- Looking for some relief.
- Tá sentindo tanta falta assim de mim?
- Yep.
- Fica assim não EDITADO...
- Why?
- Por que nada vai conseguir te dar alívio!
- I know. You could.
- Eu já falei que não existo mais...
- Then vanish from my head!
- Não sou eu quem controla!
- I know. You don't even exist...
- Isso! Procura outra pessoa!
- You know how I am. And you know how you left me. I don't know how to do it.

Where's My Right

Lost my right foot.
Everywhere I go
I enter with the left one.
I enter with the one left.
Where's my right?
Did I ever had my right?
Don't think I've ever seen my right.
Just the one left.

The Bricks In My Wall

(In chronological order, as I remember)

1996
- Lack of friends in childhood

1997~1999
- Sexual abuse in childhood
- Bully in a time when bully wasn't considered a problem

2000
- Lack of male role model in pre-adolescence

2001
- Lack of religion

2002
- Shyness[1]

2003
- (*) Rejection from fisrt love

2004
- Platonic love[1]
- Cheating the first passion with the first love

2005
- Platonic love[2]
- Cheating the second passion with the first love

2006
- Passivity[1]
- Lack of guilt
- Lack of limits

2007
- Shyness[2]

2008
- Platonic love[3]

2009
- Cheating the third passion with the first love
- Passivity[2]

2010
- Turning friends into lovers, and losing those friends

2011
- Messing with lovers when, at last, I assume my feelings for that very first love (this time without cheating)
- Eternal waiting for first love (now dead)
- Lost my face
- Lost my dignity
- Lost my look
- Lost my identity
- Lost my moral
- Accumulated guilt
- Constant wish to die (since *)

TEAR DOWN THE WALL!
[before the nicotine stains my fingers]

Vacuum

imnothererthisisnothappeningimnothererthisisnothappeningthattherethatsnotmeillgowhereipleaseimnothereandthisisnothappeningimnothereandthisisnothappening.dontknowhowcanilivenowwithoutyouorwithoutanythingtorepresentyou.imissyou.illmissyouforever.illsearchforyouinotherpersonforeverandthisgivemeafuckingguilt.thecrackinsidemyfuckingheartisyouisyouandwillbeyouforeverimnothereandthisisnothappeningnothere.

Conversa II

- Did you kill yourself?
- Sim.
- Why?
- Mesmo de sempre. Pô, justo você vai vir falar?
- Just trying to understand.
- Não tem nada pra entender. Deu vontade, eu fiz. Cansei dessa vida chata daí.
- And now you're better?
- Eu tô. Não sou eu quem está falando com uma cópia de mim que só existe na sua cabeça!
- Nor am I.
- Aham. E ainda por cima, fica escrevendo em inglês.
- Just to know which is me. Your english were never this good.
- _|_
- Love you.
- Eu não existo mais, EDITADO.
- I know...

Vivendo Após A Morte

Now I'm just wondering...
Should have bought a lineless notebook.
Anyway.
Se eu morrer e ter acesso às pessoas sofrendo por mim, ficaria agoniado por voltar. Claro que eu não poderia voltar, mas iria querer. Mas tavez, após morrer, atinjamos um nível de consciência que não nos traga agonia. Talvez tenhamos toda uma nova gama de sentimentos dos quais nem fazemos idéia.
Espero que esteja em paz. No vazio, ou onde for, esteja em paz. Se, como espírito, ela tem acesso irrestrito a tudo, será que algum dia ela vai me encontrar? Por que ela não sabe onde moro. Não conhece onde estudo. O espírito dela jamais vai me encontrar. A não ser que eu fique perto daqueles a quem ela conhecia. E eu já estive lá. Será que ela me seguiu? Para ver onde moro? Será que ela lê? Ou ela não precisa, pois ouve meus pensamentos?

Polar-202

You're my new

perfect girl

Now I can feel

This is my will

Forever, love you

What a thrill!

Fuck that girl.